I am trying to catch up on my writing, so I am not quite sure why I picked this difficult subjuect matter. I can’t really give a quick tutorial on how to detach with love; there are so many variables. I can tell you, that in my life, this has been one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.
We all encounter toxic people in our lives, unfortunately sometimes they are our bosses, our teachers, or even our parents. Sometimes they are friends we picked when we were young, with different priorities and ideas. They can be emotional vampires, manipilators, guilt mongers or shit stirrers, and as we grow up, we start to recognize them for what they truly are. The catch 22 is that by that time, we’ve grown to love them or, in the case of family, we’d never consider the option of detaching. We can love these peoplle, but sometimes, conitinuing an unhealthy relationship to keep the peace, is not at all peaceful. It’s a hard decision to make.
Detaching doesn’t have to be obvious. It can happen when you realize that the relationship no longer serves you in a positive way. Something inside shifts, and change happens, subtley. For me in general, I stopped giving more than I was geting, shared less, expected less. I didn’t have to overtly hurt anyones feelings, but in my mind, on some level, I let them go. Sometimes it just meant letting go of the fantasy of who i expected them to be or grow up to be. Were my expectations realistic? Detatching definately involves a lot of soul searching, which is sometimes not so fun.
For me, changing my ideas about relationships I had had most of my life was very hard, That meant grieving what I thought existed, letting go, and then finding a new balance. One that didn’t hurt me so much, but didn’t hurt anyone else either. I suppose it’s making peace with reality, and finally growing up, in a sense.
Sometimes, detachment is not forever. We need a break from too much closeness or we need to take some time to be alone. Separation can bring about a realization that there was more good in the relationship than bad, and we can navigate our way back. No matter what though, it’s a highly personal decision, but better to decide with love than to wait until it’s out of anger. Take control by examining the relationship(s) in question, instead of waiting for a blow up around the Thanksgiving dinner table. You will be glad that you did!
Do all things with love – and they will be alright – we hope.