Who exactly am I now? I am italian from New York – so there are certain stereotypes that I definitely fall into; I talk animatedly, loudly, with hands flailing, I am honest and speak frankly, not out of impulsivety, but ingrained candor. Something odd has happened in recent years. I’ve gotten louder, and faster, apparently, according to others. I personally thought the opposite to be true. Perhaps it is a cultural thing. I moved to Florida three years ago, and my NY mannerisms and ways might seem abrasive and intense for gentile southerners. Or is it a worsening of my ADD? I have no clue. My mind is becoming a complicated maze I can no longer figure out.
I am not what I consider a classic case, and that fact confounds me. I always excelled in school, from being in the gifted program to making the dean’s list in college. None the less, somehow, I always felt different. it was a struggle for me. I remember staring at the blank pages of my marble notebook and struggling to force myself to do my first grade homework. I was plagued with doubts that I would succeed. I think I excelled out of fear of being a bad girl more than anything else. My family had certain standards that were to be upheld. I was the baby, so it was very clear as to what they were. One did not fail classes, or get in trouble for bad behavior, EVER. So I didn’t.
One thing I realize as a grown- up is that I hate being judged. I am a small, funny, cute type of woman who people tend to underestimate until they get to know me. When I was younger it would put me in a spiral of shame. People feel comfortable teasing me and pointing out oddities. I would never be rude enough to do that. So these days, I am trying to understand what quirks are mine and what are the ADD’s. Well I guess they are all mine, but that fine line is invisible to “normal” people. It makes a person feel very alone. I hope this blog grows, and people can connect with others who feel the same way.